re-becoming a flower

thich nhat hanh has this lovely bit in one of his talks about when people are separated from ones they used to love, that one thing that can be done is to notice if the flower that was fresh and appealing that was offered at the beginning has been allowed to wilt, so the job of the person who has wilted is to refresh the flower.
(he implies that this applies both ways in his example, but one can only do something from one's own perspective) (and the job of the person angry at the wilted flower is to water and feed the flower, from what i remember, but that's not where i'm looking at the moment)
presenting a refreshed flower to the world does not ensure a bee will want to pollinate it, but even if not, it might be a good resting spot for a katydid, or might remind someone through its scent or dew or color or abundant soft petals that there is love in the world still.
and after trying to do better, i might only receive anger or disinterest or abandonment. a flower can't take a bee's decisions personally, so i will have to work to cultivate more compassion for myself and others so that i can see those reactions differently and not fall apart. if a bee stings, it loses its life, so all i can do i suppose is learn to be a less aggressive flower. (metaphor falling apart alert. ha.)
i didn't wilt intentionally or alone; the conditions around the wilting have been rough and dry and compressive this year, and i wasn't watered adequately for sure. but i can see, that to refresh myself, there are things i can do now that some of the pressure has lifted.
i can attend to my own suffering better, and not push it on or blame it on others. well, i can work to be more skillful at that, at seeing it, at curbing it, then stopping it; it's a good aspiration.
i can sit with my fear and inability to help, and understand that kind of suffering better in myself.
i can see how fear drives desire (for change, for anything different, for something to move), and i can be with that and learn to slow down my reactions and behave more skillfully.
i can enjoy and care for my physical body more positively. i can find a better balance between excess and control.
i can listen better. i know i can. i do it with patients. i failed hard at that in the past year.
there has been a lot of suffering in this house i didn't attend to. it's probably never too late to try, so i will. i can be a dragon (amber and ferocious and wise sometimes) or a hedgehog (reading and prickly and hiding) or a cat (naps and clean and demanding and pets) pretty well, now to focus on the kind of rose i am best at.
i also have to let go of needing my attempts to bear fruit from anyone but myself. i would like to grow a lovely rose hip at least, so that when finally i wilt forever, others can benefit from the buildup of vitamin C. and love.
(and the meantime, i might smell better. ha.)

compassion practice

I learned something this year I thought might be worth writing about. Especially since it's a huge reason I'm taking this leap.

Lately I have been practicing being in a state of love. I have found I like myself much better when I am in love. So full of joy that it spills over. Exuberant, but gentle. By truly paying attention and practicing being in love with everyone I encounter, it does not inflict itself on others with cloying indecency- rather, someone deeply and safely in a state of love simply brightens a room while normal interactions go on. I'm sure you've all seen this before, it's just new to me.
I noticed that after the initial millisecond of a chemical reaction, being in love has little to do with anyone besides myself. The opening, the clarity, and the newly accessible energy all come from inside me. And they stay, long after the person is far out of reach.
I noticed that I am able to re-evoke a feeling I have explored and encouraged the growth of, regardless of someone else's behavior that may have started it off...
A person can be an safe anchor, a trigger, a catalyst, but another person could never be the source of my love.

(ok ok, metaphysically, yes, we're all one. those of you that are enlightened already can roll your eyes at this post as usual... :) )

So why do I call this a practice? Well, I've found that the moment I allow my desire for a specific outcome to become solid, to become a condition for my happiness, to become an expectation, I am no longer in an open state of love. At that point I have narrowed the possibilities available, I have tried to imagine that I am a better judge of what I want than the universe. I am in expectation. And scheduling disappointment for myself. Life can never go as expected. So there seems to be a need to continually remind myself to return to nurturing behaviors that are more skillful and positive: to practice.

Over the years I have learned ways to refocus if I find my mind latching on to longing or yearning or disappointment or despair: Schedule time with loved ones. Get the feelings down on paper because self-induced melodrama makes for potentially interesting word salads. Exercise. Help someone else.

But the best way didn't come from my mind at all. I remember I said to my catalyst at one point: this is my practice. And I didn't even know how very deeply true that was at the time, but my heart did, and my heart spoke directly through my mouth for the first time in my life.

And so, I found my practice- being in a state of love. Years of meditation finally allowed me to recognize love when it arose for the millionth time... and by finally becoming aware of it, I began to actively practice to help it grow.
There have been moments wherein my BEing in love was also what I was DOing, without expectation, without needs, with desires that didn't need to be fulfilled in any particular way for me to feel complete. This is what meditation has taught me to recognize. To notice these fleeting moments when I am actually aware of the unity within myself. Because this experience is a tiny fractal of what is possible with the entire universe- but for me, a small frail little human, it starts with this little piece of consciousness that I label 'me.'

So this practice is to be in love, to fill with it and do it, to remain filled and grounded in love as often as possible. The more one practices, the more skillful one becomes. I practice with close friends, with family, with acquaintances with expectations of me, with friends that want more, with friends that want less, with patients that are suffering, with students and children with minds like innocent sponges, with the ocean, with my favorite checker at my local health food store, with the cat from next door, with my future dog, with the whales in the channel, with the writer I'll likely never meet whose posts on elephant journal cause me to seriously consider kidnapping him for coffee one day...

And this doesn't mean in any way that I have evolved to a point of boundary-less-ness and oneness. I'm not a buddha, at least, I haven't recognized my own buddha nature to the point where I am one (ahhhhh devolving into philosophy again, whoops)... And since this catalyzing shapeshifting has started I've had plenty of ups and downs and unskillful behavior. But I've finally discovered, with a totally non-intellectual understanding, that the way I behave, the way I think, and the way I feel, are all generated from inside myself. I have choices every time something arises- do I act on it at all and if so, how far do I roll with it? I am lucky enough to be able to practice when I'm not good at something. The teachers in my life have fortunately been myriad and angelic, and my best teacher is always my own commitment to pay attention and learn, to use each miserable failure as a valuable lesson.

So how do I practice? When I realize I've slipped away from love, I return to my intention to understand, to maintain curiosity, to stay open, and to be committed to absolute honesty no matter what. Just like in meditation. Just keep practicing. I practice with myself first, meditating twice daily, and during the day whenever I manage to remember.
The act of loving, as Thich Nhat Hanh says, is to intend to understand. Compassion is "feeling with," and means that I want to understand first my own experience, to build compassion inside myself. I can then maybe be more skillful at trying to understand someone else's experience, to feel what they feel. I might even be able to lighten their burden of suffering by caring, by trying to understand, by asking how I can help.

And this all means I am finally learning how to be in love with myself, so now I have enough to share...
Which is the beginning of a much truer journey, beyond this physical travel plan that is developing as I go... learning how to love, and to love well, is more important to me than anything else.
And I will keep practicing, and failing, and practicing.
Everything is my teacher.