3 months ago, here, i wrote how things might fall apart, and they did, and while i'm not surprised, i feel such sadness. at the same time relief; not the way I was relieved when I found you and felt I had found what I had been looking for- but relief that I still have a house and a job despite fires and planes and fear. And that I have the ability to reach out for hands to hold when I am afraid and sad. And that hands reach back. It's just enough. I do want more.
Hafiz said a lot of things. Today I read 'you carry all the ingredients to turn your existence into joy, mix them, mix them!' I will keep mixing.
Also 'On my worst days, I think to myself, the man that survives this will someday thank me for not giving up.' (@rudyfrancisco) And I want you to feel this deep in your heart.
There is safety in depression. I am very comfortable, still, not afraid but drawn, still, when I see that cold damp darkness come into view. But I want to undo myself, to stop growing the unskillful pieces. The self-hatred and impossible desire my mom steeped me in, that I see is no longer mine. Last week I hovered for a good while directly over a pit of that darkness and chose instead to get on a plane, to listen to love, and to move forward. It is a good sign, I think. I am better at feeling unsafe. At pushing and growing when I am full of fear. What is mine to work on is different than my mom's, and also needs to be worked through, and I want to. I want to be more skillful at life. At love, specifically.
And I want you to hear me. To see yourself for who you are. Your worth, that is not related to depression or alcohol or perceived failure. Or your beliefs that are untrue that you cling to.
Shame and guilt and victimhood are easier to feel than fear and confusion and indecision.
If you can learn to be afraid you can ask for a hand. If you can learn to be confused you can become curious and learn yourself clear. If you can learn to feel indecisive you can ask for help deciding. But those are so uncomfortable.
I get it, as much as I can without you telling me specifics. I have been near where you find yourself now. I have wanted it to end. I have feared for it to end. I have wanted the connection you found in the desert. And I see you looking for it. That feeling of "not-alone." And when you don't find it, I see you trying to drown your sorrow and aloneness in further isolation and chemicals. Which doesn't work, unless it actually drowns you. What you keep doing isn't going to find you that connection. Neither is racing towards or forcing your own end. Although it would be quiet then. But I might not be able to find you again. I hope you stop moving in that direction. I want you to come back to me.
I wish you had been sure about me, but you can't be unless you are sure about yourself.
I was sure about you. It was a first. I'm still frustrated I didn't meet you earlier. I want more time with you. If I could ask you for anything.
But I can't allow myself to enable you, and I can't allow myself not to challenge you. That is hard for you and for me.
I believe in you, I want to help you through this, I wish I was the one you wanted with you. If you ask, I will come to you to hold your hand as long as you need it. (Even if you hint and can't ask.)
But I can only work on myself, even if I want to support you I can't do the work for you, only mine. So I realized through this awful time, that I do want a family. Not the 2.5kidsspousedog nonsense. No. I am (watering the idea of?)(asking for?) a partner who wants to do the project of life with me. With me. As a team. A team that extends to a family that is open to involving other beings, chosen and non chosen family, buildings and tents and work and music and flowers and travel and politics. A work of honesty and love and challenge and space, in progress.
These are from a talk by angel Kyodo williams, a Japanese Zen priest:
"Love is developing our own capacity for spaciousness within ourselves to allow others to be as they are. It doesn't mean we don't have hopes or wishes that things are changed or shifted. But that to come from a place of love, is to be in acceptance of what is, even in the face of moving it towards something that is more whole, more just, more spacious, for all of us."
"Whatever kind of desire we have for our own development in life: to be willing to face discomfort and receive it as opportunity for growth and expansion and a commentary on what is now more available to us rather than what is limiting us and taking something away from us."
"I must face this because it is intolerable to live in any other way than a way that allows me to be in contact with my full loving human self."
"I know the road feels low and winding and we seem to need the pain to cut to the core to emerge from the sleepwalk of despair and feel through the numbness of disconnect and indifference. But if we let ourselves feel this we will be better for it."
I love you. I want to become more skillful at loving, and at loving you. I will keep working on it.
