unity consciousness is pretty rough right about now

Today I continue to be broken. It's been a while.
Interestingly, I started to cry while I was washing my hands in front of my bathroom mirror, and somehow stepped outside myself and saw what maybe one of my friends would see. My rosacea was calmer than usual, my eyes were bright green like they are when I'm emotional, and my hair was gently purple grey amidst the brown, straighter than usual because it was slept on for too long. My eyes filled with tears and I thought, huh, poor baby, you're so sad still.
And the feeling I had a few years ago, that bit of compassion deeply felt for someone I care about but can't help, for someone that doesn't 'deserve' to be sad, who is just as special and not-special as everyone else, and who really worked hard and failed, arose.
I put my (now clean and dry) hands on my face and sort of hugged myself. While the tears spilled out and my face got ugly. But I could see still, underneath, as well as superficially, a person who learned how to love deeply quite recently, and was cast aside. A person who watched her mother die sad and lonely and grasping for love from outside reality. A person who's lost all her parental figures so far, to dementia, cancer, a religious cult, and misplaced blame. A person who's had every male parental figure and partner in her life she tried to love decide she wasn't worth their time. No one ever wanted to claim her as part of their family, their life.
A person who is therefore free, very privileged, with a job that might allow her to help a few people sometimes.
My best friend asked me yesterday (yes, there are three women who continue to be my reasons for living) what I'm going to do about this feeling of darkness I can't seem to shake. And I don't think there's anything I can do to change it. I'm seeing reality and it isn't good, and no medication or mushroom will stop wars, famines, environmental destruction, or even just people being selfish jerks to each other. I feel every day how we are all one. It just lets me see how everything is logarithmically building to a chaotic end.
Maybe all I can do is learn to be more skillful at seeing and functioning better in the dark.

the end of the fantasy

20 years ago I had to change my whole belief system. Makes sense I would have to do it again. The disappointment, though, is that I thought the one I'd built was pretty good. Less harmful, no shame or guilt other than when I actually hurt someone. But I kept all that mystical bullshit. That was my downfall.
There is no intuition, destiny, manifestation.
It's all just random.
Some people get to experience stability, safety, love, family, trust... and some don't. It's not deserving or not deserving, there is no one running this shit, being fair or not fair, or judging or punishing.
It's just random, chance. No cause or effect anyone could ever see the whole pattern of. There probably isn't a pattern, not an organized one anyway.
And overall, people are on the balance, bad, and the world is burning.
Haiti didn't get to rebuild well, Puerto Rico got left behind again despite being part of the US, environmental degradation and pollution continues unabated, and Australia is burning like the Amazon, Indonesia, the american West, and parts of Europe.
Things I've done to help didn't do much.
Learning how to love well, as well as I could, one-sided, didn't change anything in the end. It was just another incidence of me being thrown away, as usual. Not even personal, really, except it's horrible that it took me this many times of ending up as someone else's garbage to realize the reason it hurt was because my belief system was wrong. I shouldn't be surprised when love doesn't get to be experienced by everyone- there's no reason I should be one of those that get to have it. Seriously. I don't need to keep supporting a 'specialness' complex about myself. I'm not a goddamned unicorn. There are a few people like that- who are loved. But all relationships end in tragedy, so I can't even be envious- except it must be nice to get to experience that. I wish I were one of those, but it just didn't happen.
The only thing I can aspire to, is to do less than average harm. Because I still do harm. No matter what I do or try or work on. But I still think that I want to have done my best to not hurt people, to help if I can, even though I can't most of the time and I fail so much. There's no reason for this, I don't believe anything particularly, other than that's how I want to be. I do believe that kindness is better than unkindness. And if I fail, then, I'm still no worse than most.
It's the disappointment that is breaking me. I hope it subsides with time. That's the only hope I have left I think. I wanted things to be true that aren't. It's not the first time, nor the tenth, but it is the last. It is good to let the fairy tales go at last. Now I can just live, without hope, without worry, without further disappointment. There's no prevention or mitigation or reversal. The world is dying, and it's our fault. Men keep killing people. Things keep happening, changing. And there is nothing I can do that matters to any of it. So.
At this point it's just caring for burned koalas. Throwing unmelted starfish back into the sea one at a time. Giving dying bees warm sugar water.