Wednesday, July 19, 2017

epic expectations

"but no, don't you ever do anything small?"
he says to me, and yes! i think of the in-between,
the chapter-fillers, the details that make the reader
bond with the character, see something familiar in her, 
want her to succeed...
but i'm still waiting for my plot twist, the reveal, 
the deep love, the climax, the moral, the resolution 
of the pain and conflict and darkness...
but no, it's only me, making tea, sending a letter,
looking for work, reading too many books.

Saturday, June 17, 2017


there might be a point at which a heart has nothing left to break
a fragile feeling, being made of crystal that used to sing
but only if touched gently and consistently...
i told her my heart had finally been broken too many times-
that truth resonated and filled what is left of me but didn't hurt
the world has too much suffering to be saved from human disrespect
the last seed of hope was crushed in someone's teeth instead of planted
the phoenix turned out to be a plain grey bird up close
there is no return or repair or revolution
only walking resolutely forward into the smoldering fire
anticipating pain, hoping for empty darkness at the end

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

knowing that you're loved no matter what

i find myself in time
don't worry, don't fall, go on
everything will come around
singing old songs with those words
and as my voice soars i remember the
acoustics in my mother's house
and how she loved to hear me sing so much
and tears crash my voice
we never agreed
but she loved my voice unreasonably
i haven't sung for anyone else in so long
my stereo sings and i echo
the comfort of sorrow
the familiarity of grief
i forgot
to tell you
i love you
i carry your home with me
when i sing, i sing for you
maybe you can hear

the smell of hawthorne

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

"today is the day" - Poe

Rule 35, ostensibly from Shams: "In this world, it is not similarities or regularities that take us a step forward, but blunt opposites. And all the opposites in the universe are present within each and every one of us. Therefore the believer needs to meet the unbeliever residing within. And the nonbeliever should get to know the silent faithful in him. Until the day one reaches the stage of Insan-i Kâmil, the perfect human being, faith is a gradual process and one that necessitates its seeming opposite: disbelief."

And from Rumi: "Things become manifest through opposites Since God has no opposite, He remains hidden."

And Hafiz: ' Who can believe the divine kindness of God? Who can comprehend what happens when Separation ends? For now, Because of my union with Reality, Now, Whenever I hear a story of one of His prophets Having come into this world, I know I was a tree that stood near, Leaned down and took notes. I know I was the earth that measured the infinite Arch in His feet. I know I was the water, I know I was the food and water that nourished Him--- That went into our Beloved's mouth. Pilgrim, If it is your wish, you will someday see You sat inside of Hafiz And it was with the lyre you gave me We sang of truth and the sublime intimacy: "I know I was the water That quenched the Christ's thirst. I know I Am the food and water that goes Into every Mouth." '

Sunday, April 23, 2017

these are not my demons

There are more ghosts with me these days.
When I was 19, I had only two. And those were quiet, just grief and ancestral insistence. Now there are three more. One is quiet, and gave me a hug once when I needed it. One is cold and far away, but constant, like starlight. One I thought was gone, but feels as if it has claws, and blood, and strings tied to me it can pull.
I don't know how to get rid of the demons that haunted that soul, who now seem to want to stay with me.