Brain, you've let me down. Unsurprising.
But it's interesting, the last person who lied while I cried was my first love. It makes sense the last would too. Sad that that's the tidy story arc end of the rainbow. All my parent issues, wrapped up in a bow.
Anyway, this time there's no deep lesson. It's just that life is ultimately unfair for most people. Vulnerability is rewarded with abandonment, love rewarded with lies, and not everyone who tries hard wins. I'm not special here. I remain extremely lucky and privileged in almost all other ways.
I will say, this last partner was special. I've never been involved with someone with such an out of control personality disorder before. One I'd never before encountered personally, even practicing medicine. So. That's a new experience, and for the future, I'll be able to recognize it in patients hopefully, and maybe get them help before it's too late.
One good thing?
I was crying the other night after I'd received the postal service notice that the address had been changed, trying to brush my teeth through red teary eyes and super ugly-face-making and gasps for breath. And I stood there after, leaning on the sink, and breathed. And saw in the mirror someone I do now solidly believe is worthwhile. Lovable. Kissable and huggable. Someone I enjoy being with. Someone who didn't do anything wrong this time really- nothing I wasn't committed to admitting to and fixing. I never lied or covered anything up. I never gave up, not while there was still a response to my attempts. Even for a while after. Until the response was "stop."
I did my absolute best to love well. And when I didn't do it super well I tried to do it better, alone.
I think I could love better, with some love and challenge and support back in my direction too. I do believe I could. I don't believe I'll get that chance- which would break my heart if it wasn't well torn apart already. But I could love better. And I'd take that chance, because I don't think I could choose to avoid it- it is, however, going to take a lot for me to trust anyone like that again. My intuition about these things has always been very wrong.
I very much miss loving someone like that- this was my first real experience of putting everything out there, while looking forward to opening even more of myself. It felt so expansive and free and joyful to be that open and trusting- for the first time in my whole life! Even though it was clearly the wrong person to trust. And even though I never got the chance to fully engage, because that part, the growing that happens when two people are going in the same direction within a relationship, requires participation of the other person. I feel robbed. It seemed so close this time, I'd never felt that before. I guess I was also more wrong than ever before too.
But now at least, I feel that I am worth someone else's time and love, especially my own.
And I'm learning how to live a life I think is worth it, with maybe only friend-love, because that's really good too. Nourishing and supportive, fun and joyful, and is good compassion practice all by itself.
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