Monday, September 7, 2015

estrogen day

I’m more than half in love 
with my imaginary portrait of you-
although we haven’t met-
all this time I keep noticing you

time and again convincing myself it is silly to wonder...
that you couldn't be what you seem...
that you work too hard...
and then my attention is caught again

because you seem to be looking for me
in words and books and poems
but when I wave you keep walking
and... that day I saw you see me?

I panicked a little,
lowered my eyes,
laughed with my friend…
of course you passed by

--I wondered what story about me your mind created
--since my friend was much older and male
--or if you even saw me at all
--but of course not, I didn't see 'you' either
--I haven't yet ever... has anyone?

I wonder if my eternal hopefulness
about a fairy tale (not necessarily you)
means I am delusional?
or bravely undaunted by previous failure!
(likely somewhere in between)

reminding myself this is entirely fantasy
while still hearing once upon a dream in my head…
{it is conveniently in my vocal range
so it seems silly not to sing it loudly and often}

ridiculous egotistical notions make me laugh daily:
I am different than other women,
and since I am so special, 
my daddy issues don't get in the way of reality...

[when I am different, but the same
I am special, as is everyone here
I am more mindful than last year
but still barely aware
I am learning to love
wanting to more than anything else
but encumbered by addiction to mind,
therefore terrible at it]

and so, in this realm of illusion,
I carry a little extra joy,
because you are in the world

and I am always wrong
about how my life will go
so I practice,
and keep waving

keeping my eyes open

for someone who dances with his mother
without codependence-
someone who is passionate
and works hard to help heal the world-
and for someone who might,

be interested, also, in knowing me

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