It's almost comedy how, after years of meditation, I can simultaneously notice, allow, understand, and be annoyed by my mind avoiding something unpleasant.
Today, like every day, I went in seeking truth. And also not really wanting to see it.
I am the blind men describing the elephant- except I have only blindfolded myself, and seem to sometimes intentionally fixate on the toenails or ribs of the elephant, rather than allowing myself to understand how each part makes up the whole of it.
my Work: my intention to relieve suffering - my refusal to submit to a system I despise: my Inaction.
my Love: my desire for relationship and connection - my repetition of past patterns: my Solitude.
my Home: my longing for belonging - my loves spread all over the world: my Restlessness.
Independence, Gaining Knowledge, and Relationship. These were the three things my mother helped me identify as my main motivators. I am persistent, enthusiastic, and love to teach. I've been told I am passionate, nurturing, and brightening.
I went in today seeking truth. Instead I saw how everything connected, I felt the skin all around the elephant, I felt my mind refuse to name it, refuse to take the blindfold off, and I turned away imagining a to-do list for my evening meeting.
I wonder when I will finally open my eyes. And what I will see.