this is the first time i've intentionally drunk a bottle of wine by myself in a year.
because, mostly anyway, today i read about bombing syria (and missing) and killing civilians, again, bombing afghanistan with the largest bomb in existence that hasn't been used before, with who knows what implications, and threatening N korea knowing S korea would simply be sacrificed if something started... imagining the sweet family who got momentarily famous a few weeks ago who lives there, and an ex that lived in guam with the navy for a while...
the alcohol relaxes my restraints on emotions and thoughts.
i think about teaching meditation, and how maybe that's all i can do. if i can.
i imagine a job where i am allowed to do what i believe in, but am quite uncertain that is possible.
i feel the loss of my mom, my second mom, my two grandparents i loved so much. and the fact that i've been easy to leave since my dad wanted nothing to do with me since before i was born. i want guidance. reassurance. to not feel alone right now when another world war seems imminent. because of "us".
i am quite certain that i have missed my chance at love and a family. and i wonder what will be fulfilling in its place, if the world ends (for humans) or if it doesn't, and if i am an irredeemable failure already.
and i text my best friend who's on an island.
i talk to my best friend upstairs.
i write to myself here.
i compose in my head the (sober) letter i'll write in the morning to my best friend in santa fe.
i remember my other sister is skiing this week.
i wish the things i love were easier for me to hold onto.
and then. i really do love a good corsican rosé. minerals, astringent fruit, and crisp florals.
maybe if the world does end soon, i'll become a sommelier.