There are a couple other email threads to myself about myself, what I wanted to be, I am statements. Aspirations. And as my close friend reminded me last night, the only person I can do anything about is myself, and I need to focus on what kind of partner I want to be and work on that.
So my recent massive failure has been very constructive.
I love easily, and forgive easily, and too much at times, largely because of my desire for connection and family and acceptance can become desperate when I fear someone walking away. "I love you but I can't be with you" I have heard second-hand since I was 2 years old. This year felt like that, and I didn't see it at first, and when I did, and tried to call it out, my panic seems to have made it worse. Sigh.
When stressed (by physical pain or life circumstance), I back myself into a familiar place, and put up walls, become more unskilled at listening/seeing, and too often turn fear to anger and demands to try to control someone's behavior when I'm hurt or failing to receive support or not feeling cared for. That didn't work at all, as you'd imagine.
I have thought that 'helping solve' was needed, that my small compassion (a rudimentary version based on my experience, because I was assuming I understood more than I actually did, and too quickly closed off my curiosity to seeking more information thinking I had the answer already) - when understanding (and clear failure to understand) should have led to more questions, more listening, more quiet, so the other person could feel safe to be honest.
I failed badly. Failed to help certainly. Failed to connect. Failed to listen.
There's a note to myself from 2011: "people DO change, but don't attach to that. be love. change yourself." I have been trying to do change myself, over the years... but this year was so hard, I didn't have enough energy to pause and look deeply at what was happening, nor to see enough to change myself during a time it seemed I had to use all my available energy to not fall apart (and pass my test, and be in physical pain, and not have a functioning partner but a mostly absent troubled roommate instead).
I have made progress though. I thought I was being listened to, which was new. I thought I was being told truth from a partner (maybe just not the important or whole truth). I was able to say what I seemed to need (even if I was unable to listen? still progress) and what I felt. I just should have sat with my thoughts and feelings first before sharing or reacting- I did at the beginning (I had more time, forced, which at this point was another flag I missed), and when I thought it was settled and safe, depending on circumstance, I got lazy, complacent, frustrated... disconnected. So that blame or anger or neediness was easier when I was exhausted by anxiety and pain.
So when I thought I'd run out of energy, when things came to a crisis, like they will do, I didn't fall apart this time. I saw my supports, I talked to them, I felt them, I listened, and they helped. I had not ever experienced inner strength clearly before. So that was a gift of this time, this crisis, this unhappiness, this suffering.
I am still scared, and hurt, and unsure what boundaries I need in my current state (because I am not a buddha yet, I would love to not need boundaries, but, alas, I am still human, and very unskilled), so I am frustrated and still have discomfort leading me to desire a less uncomfortable situation.
I guess that's what I sit with until I have more information, or more information arises in myself.
Life is good. I would like to share it more deeply. I will practice.
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