uncertainty

there's a whole chapter in my book about uncertainty
i imagined i was ok at navigating it
i'd done ok through rough seas before
but this is too deep for me
the possibilities are all completely out of my control
and most are too painful to fully imagine

risk of suicide increases with social isolation
bad choices often fuel bad choices
lying about one thing likely means lying about others
beliefs that are untrue cause inordinate suffering
difficult circumstances are sometimes too much for people to take over and over and over as life seems to close in and cut off ideas about what it should look like if you were worthy or deserving or good

but you are good
your worth is not from a job or money or a functioning truck
it's not about whether you're depressed or need therapy to quit the guilt and shame addiction
it's not even about being a good dad to someone who lied to you (and presumably to her son)
you deserve time
to rest to heal to regroup
but you'd have to take that time
doing the daily flossing of rebuilding reserves and health

i wish you would let me be your safe little fort
i wish you could see the good things you have access to and the people that love you
i wish you could start practicing not abandoning by not abandoning me
if wishes were horses...
i'm not too proud to beg, but i don't know what to ask for because i don't know what's wrong
so instead i am learning, so very painfully, about uncertainty